Tough Choices

I've always been the type of person who struggles with big decision making. I over-analyze, over-think, and get overly anxious about the ramifications of said decision. I dislike transition and change, even though once I crossed the bridge, it's always worked out just fine or better than expected. Yet, even with this successful track record, when a new decision presents itself, I can't help but make it into a gut-wrenching process until I reach clarity.

Last year I had to make a decision whether to work full-time for part of the year. Initially I resisted, even hiring a new job-share partner until mine came back from leave. But then she left for a full-time position, and I just didn't have it in me to hire again and get to know a new person, so I sucked it up and committed until February. I figured this would be a good way to discover if full-time was even reasonable. Rob and I braced ourselves, sure that it would be a grueling six months filled with many o' night of regret. And then, lo and behold, it was pretty much a breeze. I didn't have to plan with anybody else, didn't have to run every decision by another person, and didn't have to cram all I could into two to three days in order to be ready to hand my class of to my partner. My fifth grade team teacher was amazing, and was exactly the kind of colleague/friend I wanted to have next door. At home, I was pretty diligent about being organized. I prepped our meals and lunches in advance, and used our crockpot like a madman. Most nights, literally, we had at least five hours before bedtime to hang, sat down to a home-cooked dinner, and really didn't feel like we were sacrificing family time. In fact, as I've heard people say before but maybe didn't actually believe, my time with the kids was even better. We were focused on them, more patient, and all just enjoyed each other a lot. Genevieve was in school the whole day, and Luca was in school half the day, and with my best friend the other. Rob was home with Luca on Fridays, getting special "daddy days" which they both coveted. People kept asking with trepidation how it was all going, and my continued response was that we were pleasantly surprised at how well it was all going.

 Then February came and my job-share partner returned. I was actually disappointed in some ways. I had a great thing going in my classroom. However, once our new schedule started, I was so happy to have more time at home again. I soaked up Luca. But I do admit, that while I should have had so much free time to cook ahead and get all the chores done, most days I'd spend catching up on work emails, worrying about what was going on at school, or just trying to decompress. There is something more straining (for me) about have very full work days, and then following those days with very full days of a different nature. It was like trying to turn on a dime, going 60 mph, twice a week.

Fast forward to this summer. I knew that there was a possibility that a half day Kindergarten would open at our school, and that my job-share partner might want it. This would result in my either getting a coveted, full time contract, or having to hire a brand new person to fill that spot. But for a variety of reasons, it didn't feel like it was going to happen. I had really mentally settled in another part-time year, excited about helping Rob out with his new venture.

Then came the call....or rather the text...from my partner letting me know she took the Kindergarten job, and I was now without a partner. I knew what was coming next. I opened up my email to see what I knew what would be there. An email from my principal asking me if I'd like the job full-time, or if we should post the position to hire. My stomach immediately plummeted, knotted up, twisted about. I had secretly been hoping the decision wouldn't even present itself so it was out of my hands.

The pros and cons were apparent. That list was easy to generate:

Pros:
 * Bigger income in a time that Rob's is uncertain
* Insurance for our entire family will almost be covered
* Having complete control of my classroom
* Getting a full-time contract in a time that so many teachers can't even find a job (this could be a whole other post!)
* Still maintaining a schedule in which the kids would have us before and after school. No need to rely on anybody, and we'd still have loads of time together since obviously, I share all their breaks.

Cons:
* Luca would have to go to full-day Kindergarten OR
* Luca would stay in 1/2 day K, but would be juggled between people in the afternoons
* Admittedly, I would be giving up the couple of mornings where I was the only person in my house :). After a decade of having little feet and hands undoing all of my hard work, this was an exciting prospect :).

The real sticking point? See the first * on the cons list. I know this seems to silly to some people, but for me, this was the biggest hurdle for me to work out. Luca is a good boy. (Disclaimer...he can be as much of a stinker as any kid...I'm not claiming perfection here :). He's a good listener in class, compliant, bright. He's already reading and I actually questioned last year if 1/2 day K would be sufficient given how quickly he was picking things up. However, I have a deeply ingrained ideal, that Rob and I share, that our society is too eager and quick to push kids beyond where they are ready to be. I'd prefer my kids be really grounded at home, with their family. Therefore, I've always worked part-time because we need the income, but so that they have lots and lots of time at home with me, doing things that kids do at the pace in which they should do them. Even last year's schedule was a bit tough for Luca. He was so wiped out by the end of the week. I am nervous that full day Kindergarten will be too much for him. But as I do, I took this concern and mushroomed it into a full-fledged nervous breakdown about it. I'm now certain that the course of his life will be severely impacted by this decision. I'm sure that he will go from pretty good kid to super naughty kid either because he's too tired, or because he'll reap the influences of all those other kids (don't mistake this for arrogance about my kid because I know there will be lots of great kids there....I just fear he'll pick the naughty to be led by :). He's certain to become a juvenile delinquent and eventual adult criminal (okay, now I'm exaggerating for the sake of writing fun, not because I'm THAT over dramatic :).

I know this is irrational. Trust me, I do know this. I get that we've done a lot in his six years, and Genevieve's ten, to help them be secure, loving people grounded in their family and influenced by our values. I know they will make mistakes, as they already do, that we'll work through and learn from. I know he'll thrive in K, whether it's full or half time. From my Kindergarten teacher friends, they always comment how half day almost feels more stressful, because they are squeezing so much in such a small amount of time, and how full-day feels more easygoing, with more opportunities for art, social studies, and science. Well, that sounds nice.

Okay, so I spent the first few days thinking and rethinking all of the above. And then I had an epiphany which I think is really the underlying cause of all this anxiety.

So often I hear parents say emphatically when they are done having kids. They can, without a hesitation, express their absolute completeness of family with no desire for more. I still haven't had this feeling. I pretty much know we won't have more kids. We're in a good space with our kids and it's a good balance for us. But still, I have LOVED having little kids. I have loved so much about their development. I have loved that I have been around for so much of it. I STILL see Luca as my baby, as a little boy still under his mommy and daddy's wings. His starting Kindergarten didn't really change this for me, because after all, he'd still be home with me half the day. Unless of course he isn't. If we commit to this full day schedule for him, this is it. We will have entered that official next stage that never felt like it would really come. Both our kids will be of school age, no longer at home during the day to play in sandboxes, do art with mom, go to the Children's Museum with dad. (I am aware there are other hours in the day that we can do these things...that's not the point :).

This also came at the heels of Genevieve turning double digits, which also took me by surprise...not that she was turning 10 :), but that I had a reaction about it. I said to Rob that day, that in the time that she has blessed us on this earth, that time from now she'll have moved out, and will hopefully (most-definitely) be in college, cultivating a life of her own.

So that's it, my kids are leaving us and they're long gone.

Yeah, drama :)...obviously not. But, when I had little kids, that future seemed so far away, barely realistic and hard to really envision. Between Genevieve turning 10, and Luca going to school full-time, the reality of how fast it all goes really hit me hard. I cried even. I'm tearing up just writing this. This is a big deal, because I'm not really much of a crier, but this has punched me in the gut.

Don't let me leave you with the wrong impression. I'm not one of those crazy mothers who is overly dependent on my kids for my personal well-being. It is my greatest hope to help guide my kids into functional adults, after which Rob and I will get to spend a good deal of time doing our own thing together again. But the realization that we are officially moving onto having big kids maybe took me by surprise. And there is some measure of guilt and resistance knowing I could and would want to hold it off for just one more year by having Luca in 1/2 day K. Remember my struggle with change and transitions that I started this post with?

But here it is. My gut tells me that taking this full-time contract is the right thing to do. It helps give us some financial security while Rob pursues his dream of having a successful business. Luca will be good. Genevieve hoped I would teach full time because she thought it would mean she could go to her friend Ali's before school in the morning (she was disappointed to find out that was not the case), so she'll be good. Our family will still have loads of time together since we're all home by 4:30 at the latest and can take holidays off together. If we end up screwing Luca up, it'll probably be because of much bigger reasons than we chose full instead of part time Kindergarten. I will get to fully flex my teacher muscle and have total autonomy about how I run my classroom. We WILL take a big vacation as a consequence and my kids want to ride on a place so badly. This will open up some opportunities we couldn't previously afford.

Exhale....big exhale. It's decided.

By the way, I don't have any feelings about other kids being in full day Kindergarten, whether parents work full or part time, whether you bottle or breast fed, or whether you co-slept or not. This post is not teeming with judgment, just insight into OUR family.